Sports > September 24, 2003

By Mike Scott

Senior Reporter

Ever been in Benson with time to kill at 3 a.m.? Well, back during the days when I did real work for this paper (i.e. editing and layout), I often found myself in just such a situation.

Being sports enthusiasts, Jordan Webster, the abrasive Pennsylvanian who preceded me as sports editor, naturally decided to fill the time by creating office sports. Being as uncreative in creating leisure-time activities as we were in turning phrases in our articles, the games never progressed past free throw shooting into recycling bins (not trash — we at the OGB are environment-friendly) and playing home run derby, using either a hijacked tray from Benson or a poster tube for a bat.

While baseball allowed us the extra bonus of taking target practice at our news room brethren and annoying the living crap out of our editor, the two simple games we played really came down to one thing — killing time. And nothing does that better than pseudo-sports. So, if you’re on campus and bored, give these activities a try. (DISCLAIMER — in no way am I advocating theft, trespassing, the destruction of university property or the bodily harm of innocent bystanders. I take no responsibility for the stupidity of your actions).

CAMPUS GOLF

There are two versions of this one. First is the mobile, cross country version. Get a tennis ball and one club of your choice. Pick a starting point and an ending point and swing away. Person in the “hole” in the fewest shots wins.

The real fun in this one comes in creating the holes — for instance, a “baptist split” hole to commemorate the university’s severing of ties with the church — start outside the BSU lounge in Kitchin and end at the bar in Shorty’s. Or maybe an “oil and water” hole — start outside the department of religion and end up in Calloway. The possibilities are endless — be creative, but don’t be stupid, this university does not take kindly to defaced property or injured students.

The other golfing option comes from a story an unnamed source once told me. According to my source, it was at one time common for members of one of this university’s athletic teams to make their way to the top of one of the Quad dorms and proceed to hit golf balls at the Wait Chapel tower.

The way I see it, scoring on this one would be a point for every ball that hits the clock. I would also recommend playing this one very late at night, otherwise University Police and innocent noncombatants might complicate the game.

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE BASEBALL

Named for the most famous event held in Wait Chapel, this is mostly wiffle ball with a change of venue. Anything in the first floor seats is a double, in the balcony seats is a triple and over the seats in the balcony is a home run.

Two balls hit off the chandelier in a row garners eight runs and automatically incites a bench clearing brawl.

Also, in honor of Jim Lehr, an umpire will be present at each game, though he or she will have absolutely no power to enforce rules of any kind and will be totally worthless.

FUN WITH COACHES

Our head football and basketball coaches are noted for their rapport with students. A game of trash-can basketball with Skip Prosser or paper football with Jim Grobe is always a better option than looking through the latest issue of Maxim for the fifth time or WIN stalking that girl from your first-year seminar for the 24th time.

RACE TO DISCOVERY

This one is the brainchild of the aforementioned Jordan Webster. Only to be held when raining, this relay race starts on the patio outside the Benson University Center. By simply freeing one of the large umbrellas from the patio tables—poof, you have a baton. You then pass to your teammate, racing against another team, and the winner is the first team to claim President Hearn’s office as their own by planting their umbrella in his desk.

So, whether you need something to stave off boredom or to facilitate procrastination, pseudo-sports can fill hours at a time. And if you’ve got any of your own, I’d love to hear them. Until next week.