Opinion > April 24, 2008

By Walker Kalan | Guest columnist

I passed a professor’s office the other day and stopped dead in my tracks. Something caught my eye — a copy of the Ten Commandments hung from the wall, pressed behind plexiglass in a tacky metal frame.

A holy sight indeed. It’s been quite a while since I’ve read the Commandments. I gave them a quick once-over, and the first thing that came to mind was “God**** I’m a sinner!” It’s time, I’ve decided, to revisit the Ten Commandments. Here are my critical interpretations, starting with number 10:

10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s house; thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is thou neighbor’s.

Where to begin? First, let me say that I’ve never coveted my neighbor’s male servant. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But female servant? One of my friends used to have this nanny who took care of his younger siblings, and let me tell you, I most certainly coveted her. Me and the rest of the neighborhood. She was a Nordic goddess, a Swedish babe — in the words of Wayne and Garth, schwiing … Covet thy neighbor’s house? Please. Anyone who’s ever watched MTV Cribs is guilty of sin … I can’t say I’ve ever coveted a donkey, but to the kid with the light blue Porsche who parks in the lot by Scales: I hate you … Neighbor’s wife? I think you know the answer to this one.

9. Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

I had to Wikipedia this one. Does that make me stupid? I hope stupidity isn’t a sin. Oh, it means don’t lie. I’ll be honest with you, I’m a liar.

8. Thou shall not steal.

I stole a packet of cream cheese from Benson the other day. It was an accident, though, I swear. I forgot it was in my pocket. I will be so disappointed if I go to Hell for a packet of cream cheese. It was low fat!

7. Thou shall not commit adultery.

Adultery is wrong, I’ll agree. I’m not sans sin in this category, but I’d say I’m fairly respectful of number seven. I do, however, see some exceptions to the rule. Moses, if you’re reading this, I would like to lobby on behalf of open marriages.

6. Thou shall not kill.

Finally, a commandment I haven’t broken. This puts me at one for five so far. I’m batting .200, which isn’t so bad considering God’s first team all-celestial e.c.a. (earned commandment average). 5. Honor thy father and thy mother.

I’m a disgrace to my family, so I think it’s safe to assume I’ve failed numero cinco.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

If intermittent sleep and vomit until 4 p.m. is holy, consider me a saint.

3. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain ... Next.

2. Thou shall not worship any idols.

I’m a pretty big Favre fan — does that count?

1. Thou shall have no other gods before Me.

(cue Marvin Gaye) God, come on, baby. You know you’re the only one for me.

Okay, so I’m a bit of a sinner. Please don’t judge me. Remember, that’s God’s job.

Perhaps it’s indicative of the person I am that one of my favorite sayings is “hate the sin, not the sinner.” I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little concerned about my chances of making “the cut,” or whether there is a cut to be made. I like to believe that there’s some sort of afterlife (reincarnation is an appealing scenario) and that I’ve led a fairly respectable life worthy of at least a sweet going away party. The Ten Commandments is a noble code of conduct, but the one true standard of judgment should be a person’s ability to put others first (and what kind of car he/she drives). I couldn’t begin to claim this as one of my character strengths, but I have become increasingly aware of the importance of altruism. Have I turned a new leaf and embarked upon the righteous path of selflessness? Absolutely not. But I have crossed the path once or twice and my observations have led me to believe that one cannot successfully pursue happiness without mastering selflessness. Otherwise, it would be called the pursuit of pleasure. If you’re about to write in bemoaning the sacrilegious nature of this little opinion piece, I have three words for you: Go to Hell.

Walker Kalan is a junior political science major from Winter Park, Fla.