Life > April 24, 2008

By Ryan Coons | Staff columnist

Kara and CeCe: First I would like to thank you two for giving me the opportunity to write my article this year. I’ve had a great time hastily throwing together poorly planned, un-proofread articles and then pitching a fit at you guys for every minor grammatical error that accidentally made it to print.

Seeing as this is my last article, I feel the time is long overdue for me to apologize to you two and to my readers for all the things I’ve said in haste over the past two years. So if it is possible, I would like to print this retraction of all my past claims in full. I hope everyone I’ve offended or merely annoyed finds some solace in the words that follow.

-Ryan Coons

The people who star on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge are not “drains on society” and should not be “sterilized” or “beaten until they agree never to stand in front of a television camera ever again.”

Lindsay Lohan does not deserve my aggressive verbal attacks, and Herbie: Fully Loaded was actually a pretty OK movie.

The Mall of America is not a “temple of consumerism where Jesus Christ himself will return to Earth only to leave shortly thereafter because he got sick of waiting three hours to get into the LEGO Imagination Center.”

Sequels don’t ruin the original film, and if a franchise can make it to a threequel or a sixquel, they aren’t just in it for the money.

They have an important story to tell (see also: the Saw series). Trust me: They’re laughing with you.

Dr. Suess was not “(expletive deleted) insane” and the people who turn his books into movies should not be “tarred and feathered with the torn up scripts they so carelessly “adapted” from his books”

Horton Hears a Who is still in theaters! Check your local listings.

If you can make money off of a pre-existing idea simply by making it microwaveable, you are a god among men.

Illicit substances do not make better actors, musicians, professors or surrogate mothers.

It is wrong of me and others to call into American Idol and purposefully vote for the worst singer in an attempt to help them make it to the finals and destroy the show from the inside out.

There is no reason for me to be afraid of the Winston Salem Journal salesmen.

Just because 81 percent of high school students have tried drinking or drugs does not mean the D.A.R.E program is a failure and waste of government money.

Making up figures and statistics for my articles is irresponsible and lacks journalistic integrity.

Dark Angel will never return to FOX, and my sending illicit photographs of FOX executives to the New York Times does nothing to change this.

A hunger strike is not an effective way to get what I want, especially food.

Not all Bros drive Chevrolet Trucks with lift kits and drink Natty Ice (and there is nothing wrong with those who do).

Tilly and the Wall are not a “stupid (expletive deleted) gimmick and waste of an iTunes gift card.”

M. Night Shyamalan is a good director.

Studying abroad is an eye-opening experience and every minute detail from your trip is worth hearing about.

Campus Grounds should be allowed to adhere to any hours they see fit.

Reading the opinion pieces in the Old Gold & Black doesn’t make me want to kill myself.

Counting the items I’ve stolen from fraternity lounges shouldn’t count as my quantitative reasoning requirement.

Vitamin Water does not give me x-ray vision, and it is irresponsible for me to suggest it would do the same for others.