Life > October 25, 2007

By Rob McFeeley | Staff columnist

On Friday, Oct. 12, former Vice President Albert Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to increase global awareness about man-made climate change.

In other words, Gore was awarded a little under a million dollars for making an incredibly long PowerPoint presentation entitled An Inconvenient Truth.

Really, Nobel Peace Prize committee? Great choice. It’s obvious that you all went “green” at this year’s selection meeting. You sly Norwegians must have been stoned as hell.

A presentation that I made in my eighth grade health class totally dominates Gore’s Oscar-winning “documentary.”

If Albie belongs in the same league as Mother Teresa, the epic transitions and colorful slides used in “Inconvenient Poops: Living with Irritable Bowel Syndrome” put me right up there with His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

Here’s a fun fact about America’s most popular faux-scientist: in his time at Harvard, Gore squeezed out a D in “Man’s Place in Nature” and a C-plus in another Natural Sciences course. Ouch.

I, on the other hand, rocked Biology 111. Guess that means it’s time to re-evaluate my career goals.

My new post-grad plans? A quick jaunt over at NASA followed by an indefinite reign as Prime Minister of the Earth.

Even though I think that Gore’s a dubious character, I realize that climate change is one of the most important issues facing our generation.

Earlier this month, after a few minutes of deliberation, I decided to give this whole Green business the old college try.

The process of binding my ecological foot has been surprisingly easy. When it comes to carbon emissions, you might as well call me Switzerland.

To start, I’ve been holding my breath as much as possible.

It’s clear that we humans emit way too much CO2 by huffing and puffing all the time.

Granted, my skin has taken on a spooky cyanotic hue. My conscience, however, is as clear as a bell.

Many scientists assert that the presence of high levels of methane in the earth’s atmosphere may contribute to global warming.

Over the last week, I’ve been testing out a new method that’s designed to reduce the emission of this hazardous natural gas.

TAYFIZZ (patent pending) should help solve this pressing dilemma. The full name, “Trap All Your Farts in Ziplocz,” pretty much says it all.

With a few plastic bags, a pair of loose-fitting pants and a little ingenuity, you too can do your part in helping Mother Earth to cut back on her Valium intake.

As for sustenance, I’ve actually been eating Kashi’s GOLEAN Crunch cereal since the beginning of the semester.

Unfortunately, the only thing that’s grown thin is my patience.

After two months of suffering through bowl after bowl of puffed cardboard, I’m no more svelte than when I started.

Indoor plumbing? A thing of the past. I’m doing what I can to keep the Nitrogen Cycle spinning smoothly. That being said, you might want to avoid cutting through my backyard.

All of my electronics are now powered by an elaborate potato-battery system. Even though my room looks like an Idaho power plant, this setup has earned me a ton of valuable carbon credits.

There is one aspect of the Green movement that I can’t quite stomach. Despite my commitment to the cause, I draw the line at using lambskin condoms.

Don’t be misled by the name. When they say “lambskin,” the marketers really mean “the lining of a baby sheep’s intestines.”

Would you enjoy shaking hands with someone wearing lambcolon gloves? You get the picture.

Listen. You might be sitting there and thinking, “What’s with all this self-promotion? Does this amateur tree-hugger think he’s better than me?”

Short answer: Yes.

Now before you start going green (with envy), just remember how easy it is to make a difference.

All you need to do is have a heart, friends. If that’s too much to ask, then at least have an organic granola bar or two.

Remember, every little bit helps.