Life > November 8, 2007

By Rob McFeeley | Staff columnists

Feeling stressed because you haven’t had a chance to peruse the university’s new Strategic Plan?

You’ve come to the right place, my friend. After reading this column, you’ll know more about the future of Wake Forest than President Hatch. The preliminary draft of the plan, released Oct. 29, divides the university’s goals into the following sections:

Building Academic Programs of Nationally Recognized Excellence – When I was accepted to Wake nearly four years ago, I was thrilled. I quickly grew irritated, however, with the fact that no one up North (save for a few fans of college sports) had ever even heard of the university.

At this juncture, all we should be worried about is putting Wake Forest on the map. We can deal with the “excellence” bit later.

Which of these sounds easier: forcing the nation to recognize that “Work Forest” is a painfully accurate nickname, or cooking up a good, old-fashioned scandal? The latter, of course. Remember, folks – any press is good press.

Case in point: Columbia University invited the President of Iran, a prominent Holocaust denier, to speak on its campus in September. The controversy surrounding the event generated a great deal of publicity for the school. It’s time to get creative, people. Kim Jong-Il, Wait Chapel, Spring 2008.

Enhancing Faculty Distinction – This is a crucial issue. Under the current system, it’s nearly impossible to ascertain which department a given faculty member works in without (a) following them to their office or (b) engaging them in conversation.

In order to remedy this problem, all faculty members should wear full academic regalia whenever they’re on campus.

Although it may seem a little Hogwarts-y, this new dress code will undoubtedly increase social interaction between students and faculty. Got a burning theological question? Just ask anyone whose hood has a lovely scarlet trim! Struggling with the Dewey Decimal System? All you need to know is that library scientists rock lemon like it’s the new black.

Attracting a Talented, Diverse Student Body and Building Exceptional Young Leaders of Character and Service – If the university really wants to increase the overall skill level of its student body, it needs to hold semiannual combines to fully evaluate prospectives.

Every applicant will have to demonstrate a unique talent before they’re even considered for admission.

If they are lucky enough to make it past the talent round, prospectives will then compete against each other in a series of mental and physical challenges, most of which will be taken directly from the hit television series American Gladiators. The final event, a blindfolded, three-legged race through the tunnels, will be broadcast on Wake-TV.

As for diversity, it might help if the university prohibits candidates from attaching photographs to their applications. Admissions at this institution may very well be “need-blind,” but as long as prospective students are allowed to send in professional headshots, photogenic individuals will have the upper hand.

Creating a Richer Sense of Community – Here’s one that I’m not really worried about. The Wake Forest community already seems pretty darn rich to me.

I’ve always said that you can get a good feel for a school by taking a look at the products sold in its bookstore. One can buy Wake-customized Nautica, Tommy Hilfiger, Vineyard Vines and Polo products in the Deacon Shop. At the main bookstore, the Vera Bradley section almost takes up a whole wall.

If the university wishes to make our community seem richer, it needs to stock both of these stores with more luxurious designer gear. When students can be seen walking around with old gold and black Gucci backpacks, we’ll have finally made it. It also wouldn’t hurt to throw some flashier rims on the campus shuttles.

Strengthening Connections to Communities Beyond Campus – This university is frequently criticized for its insularity. Even students seem troubled by this fact; I’ve often heard undergrads bemoan the difficulty of escaping the Wake Forest “bubble.”

Instituting a system of mandatory community service will ensure that students stay in touch with the outside world.

Fraternities, for example, could be required to host parties with the gentlemen from the local Elks chapter. Compulsory mixers between sororities and community organizations like the AARP would benefit everyone.

In conclusion, we can only pray that the Strategic Planning Committee handles these pearls of wisdom with care, for the future of our noble university depends upon it.