Life > January 23, 2003

By Ethan Dougherty

Old Gold and Black Reviewer

Sometimes my faith in the industrious and creative powers of the American people becomes so strong that I want to drape myself in a flag and sing Woody Guthrie songs.

Then I see something like FOX’s new “romantic reality” series Joe Millionaire, and I begin to wonder what I would have to do to get Canadian citizenship.

Could there be any fate worse than having to watch a show in which 20 eligible bachelorettes chase after a construction worker-turned-faux-millionaire?

Maybe, but it would have to involve a serious case of tuberculosis and compulsory reading of old Hagar the Horrible comics.

Admittedly, the concept of the show is somewhat intriguing. I suppose a reality-show apologist would say that it is some sort of modern fable about love overpowering (or being overpowered by) greed.

The whole show is based around the “$50 million lie” that the dreamy Evan and FOX Network tell the women to whet their interest. Will the lucky lady still cherish Evan when she finds out he’s a construction worker?

Not to be too critical of the contestants, but if these women are to the point of desperation where they have to go on a reality show to find a mate, they probably aren’t in much of a position to be choosy over a little thing like annual income.

Nobody seems to be asking the real burning question: What would a millionaire want with an inarticulate 29-year-old substitute teacher like Zora, who’s managed to sneak into the third round on the merit of her adroit shoveling of horse manure?

The contestants, rather than the concept itself, are the real dead weight for the show. Simply put, FOX must have imported these women from another planet.

Writing this column before the third episode airs, I’d say that MoJo looks like the favorite to win Evan’s hand.

A simple inspection of her bio from the official Web site should be enough to prove that she is some sort of alien. Her role model is J. Lo, and, as if that wasn’t bizarre enough, her occupation is listed as “loan officer/spokesmodel.”

After staring at this information for 20 minutes, I still can’t figure out if it’s a joke. Is she so multifaceted that she can go to a tractor pull beauty pageant to advertise for Check into Cash and then approve your title loan right there on the spot?

It seems impossible that FOX thinks that anyone can honestly identify with these women.

Even Evan himself doesn’t seem to be the normal Joe that producers want to make him out to be. He refers to himself as

“Michelangelo with a bulldozer.” Anybody who’s spent a day working construction knows comments like that are the fastest path to finding yourself on the wrong end of an overturned Port-O-John.

Maybe Evan’s not really a construction worker! Maybe true, unconditional love will be found in just seven episodes! Maybe this is the worst hour of TV Fox has put on the air since When Animals Attack 37: These Squirrels are Angry.