Life > January 31, 2008

By Teddy Aronson | Staff columnist

Ever since the beginning of this semester, I’ve been in a proverbial pickle. Simply watching the gladiator Wolf can minimize the world’s problems exponentially.

It seems as if I’ve been gracelessly sloping downwards from those sweet kosher dills to those D-grade types whose sole ingredients include green, plastic, gasoline and the souls of the damned.

Now, I can’t seem to find the right words to express some sincere thoughts on my own existential dilemma.

But I’m certain I can find things around me, which fully represent and even give meaning to the world in which we all live.

First, and most important, is the return of American Gladiators.

What a triumph.

The combination of Laila Ali and Hulk Hogan as co-hosts just screams television domination, not to mention the muscularly scandalous garb which can barely withhold these middling athletes’ protein packed bodies.

He, or it, is today’s social lifeline.

I might even dare to say he gives Chuck Norris in his prime a run for his money.

Whose hair is more glorious, Chuck Norris’ perfectly landscaped beard, or Wolf’s untamed rollercoaster of a semi-mullet?

Wolf and the Gladiators undoubtedly hold a soft spot in my heart, and I can draw upon them for comfort during these tumultuous times.

But there is an even greater source of which we can all take hold, and it is happening here at the university.

Influenza is rampant on campus, but, seeing that the student body has the stones of pure igneous power, we looked Death in the face sternly and cried, we want to make out.

And that we did.

Amid wildly airborne germs and unavoidable bed sentences, we were not disenchanted.

We don’t see our antics as potentially harmful to our health.

That’s just ridiculous.

Let’s give ourselves a little credit. This is a super-strain of flu, my friends, the type that makes little children cry instantly upon hearing a single whisper of those three combined cursed letters, or even anything that rhymes with the word.

If there are any young Stu’s out there, you are in my prayers.

The students are doing a service to this community in light of this assumed malevolent event.

Student Health has been busier than one can imagine, making every other day seem like putting a band-aid on a scraped knee.

We thank you, and hope we have also done something good for you, too.

Also, the immune systems we will fully develop after recovering from this bubonic-esque episode will be superhuman.

Chemical warfare will be obsolete if ever campus-wide combat rose to such a level.

My advice: plan ahead.

The sexual adventures on campus recently may have spread this relentless sickness to uncontrollable heights, but I think we can all draw on this event for everything it has brought to campus.

Viva the Influenza Attack of ’08.

The next few weeks of catching and recovering will be interesting to observe, but I hope we all thought it was well worth the cost.