Life > November 1, 2007

By Ryan Coons | Staff columnist

On October 29, 2007, as part of its continuing “Voices of Our Time” series, Wake Forest University welcomed a homeless man to Wait Chapel to speak to the community about the best public bathrooms on campus.

Arthur Guesstimate Jones, a renowned vagabond who is most noted for his scouting work with the New York City Department of Public Works in its effort to clean up its public restrooms. Jones lived in Central Park for a three-week period this summer, and during that time researched the public bathrooms for cleanliness, handicapped accessibility and number of murders. He took copious notes on a month-old newspaper, which was also his blanket.

On Monday, Jones graced the community with an informative presentation on the state of our public bathrooms. He lived on campus during the week prior, although his headquarters on the Quad went unnoticed, with students believing it to be a passed out fraternity pledge or a pile of laundry (which, in fact, it was). He made a concerted effort to use every public toilet on campus, including the women’s restrooms, which provided him with some amusing stories during his presentation. Below is a list of the best and worst toilets on campus by his estimate.

The Bronze Seat:

Fifth Floor, Benson University Center: “A private, single occupancy (unless you’re in a bind) toilet. It is difficult to reach but totally worth it because it is just outside the Old Gold & Black office. As such, it is fully furnished with plenty of reading materials and precious blankets.”

The Silver Seat:

Polo Residence Hall, lobby: “Whether taking a quick break from panhandling or simply walking back from a late night party, Polo offers a much appreciated pit stop just steps away from Polo Road. Using this toilet takes patience, however, as I had to hide behind a trash barrel while waiting for someone with keycard access to the building.

The Golden Seat Award:

Fourth Floor, Greene: “Although not as private as Benson, it does provide you with a multicultural experience as you will be sharing it with professors who will be speaking to one another in their native tongue. You’ll feel like you’re reliving yourself over the banks of the Grand Canal in Venice.”

The Worst of the Worst:

Reynolda Hall, outside the Pit: “It reminded me of a prison cell I spent some time in just outside of Flagstaff, Ariz., after being arrested for hosting knife fights inside an abandoned Dairy Queen.”

The Library 24 Hour Study Room: “With walls thinner than a Maytag refrigerator box … you see where I’m going with this.”

Jones noted that he was unable to research the bathrooms on the Quad because several small children participating in Project Pumpkin mistook his filthy garb and nonsensical rambling for a student guide. They followed him the rest of the afternoon and he taught them how to carve a pumpkin with only a plastic spoon and a Snickers bar.

Jones left the forum halfway through for a quick bathroom break from which he never returned. Students not in attendance reported seeing him riding shotgun on the Pizza Hut delivery cart, sneaking breadsticks out of the back and shouting obscenities at prospective student tour groups.

University officials report that it was the highest attended academic event in the history of the school.