Life > May 1, 2008

By Teddy Aronson | Staff columnist

As the school year comes to an end, let’s all take a moment to reflect upon the days passed, turbulent and shining all in the same. Actually, I guess this week is the perfect time finally to hold true to my official title. “He Said: Advice on sex and the fairer sex.” I’m going to take fair quite ambiguously, so here are a few options of different routes I could have taken this past year.

Sex should be much fairer: the rulebook between men and women is never reviewed and, for that matter, the sex referees get paid a little much for having a completely absent track record, except for that one freaky couple who likes sports-themed festivities.

Sex should be much fairer: too many dark-haired couples are dominating the scene these days. It’s simply not fair to many unfortunate people, like those poor, poor blondes. They just need a bone thrown to them; they can’t help the inherent unfairness in sex. Blondes may have more fun, but not more sex, apparently.

Sex should be much fairer: the Federation for American Immigration Reform (F.A.I.R) has its priorities all wrong. They need to start worrying about real issues affecting millions. So, please, leave that big wall out of the picture and let’s see some real reform for once.

Now, as Kelly Curran mentioned last week, I’ve also been avoiding the whole Carrie Bradshaw thing all year, too. Before I go on, Kelly, you are my Carrie Bradshaw; just thought you should know that.

Going back to the real Carrie, though, maybe if I had looked more closely to her genius I could have dug up more from that field of sexual-inspired writing. Let’s see what gems she has produced:

“As we speed along this endless road to the destination called who we hope to be, I can’t help but whine. ‘Are we there yet?”

Nope, definitely wrong there.

But seriously, I’m facing a little bit of a dilemma here. I want my last article for the year to leave something that all of you can take around in your front pockets all summer, comfortable with the delicious closure with a growling appetite for more. Because I feel like we’ve had a good year. I’ve been inspired by your antics, and hopefully you’ve gotten something for me. And I’m just not okay with parasitic relationships. By scientific terms, I would have caused so much harm at this point you would all be on your deathbeds. So if this is not true, don’t do anything, and I’ll know everything is O.K.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I will say I’m hopeful. Maybe I’ll come back inspired with the most luscious of lusciousness ready to be thrown into text. We will see, but I’m happy with what has happened thus far, no matter what happens next.

Like many, though, I can’t say I’m not excited for the summer. Getting an extended period of time with family and past friends is always a plus, and the break from the work will give us time to recuperate, recharge, and then restart. Have an enjoyable summer out there, be safe and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Whatever that is, from the obscure to the mundane, of course.

Just make sure in some way you incorporate the development and progression fairness in there somewhere. I’ll be off at the local fair, hanging out with the Christian alt-rock band Fair reading my Vanity Fair. So, fair well.