Life > November 8, 2007

By Teddy Aronson | Staff columnist

I feel compelled to write this, seeing as my life has recently been diseased by the single most powerful and evil aspect of society.

More evil than things like Satan’s black death army or that terrifying clown at a 5-year-old’s birthday party with running face paint and breath that reeks of alcohol who doesn’t understand the entertainer-audience relationship.

Everyone, Facebook is a global threat to the well-being of humanity, for it has become a breeding ground for the questionable aspects of sex today.

The guys who created this new black plague must have really had a tough childhood, and now they’re taking it out on their cooler enemies.

I mean, seriously, are you kidding me? I’ll admit, at first I thought Facebook was all right, a place where you could find all your friends online and creatively and quickly interact.

Not to mention, it is not even close to the sketchiness that is MySpace, a topic for another time and another place.

But now, Facebook has developed into a creeper’s paradise, filled with new and fun ways of sending gestures with weird, sexual double meanings. The disadvantages go on and on.

Like a fierce Kodiak bear, Facebook traps you in its commanding grip and doesn’t let you go, further disrupting the procrastinator’s chaotic lifestyle.

In the end, one must reflect on how much time is truly wasted on looking through all your friends’ statuses, such as “(Friend’s name here) is I put the STUD in STUDYING

And also, the way in which people talk to one another on Facebook is completely different from ordinary interaction. People can be a little more friendly or flirty to their crush, and everyone can publicly view these attempts.

That girl who has a serious thing for the guy with a girlfriend of two years can write “miss you too” on his wall without his prompting “miss you” message on her wall, simply to anger that jealous girlfriend.

It’s a digital playing field for the skilled, strategic and deceptive when it comes to sexual relations.

Obvious to any user, the stalking capabilities are nearly endless. Having your every motion displayed on the home page for everyone to see doesn’t help.

From pictures to personal information to your friends’ wall posts, one can easily learn your life story from a quick glance at your profile.

Sooner than you think, some guy will come up to you and know what did the previous night, what you wore, who you were with and what you did while you were there, and that’s a really comforting thought.

The “applications” are hilarious, too. You can “poke” someone, a term they couldn’t have made any more sexual if they tried.

I just hope they’re thinking of the same body appendage as I am. And the “superpoke” is just too much sexuality for me altogether.

I think my favorite has to be the Honesty Box, which allows friends to share their opinions of you anonymously.

Pretty soon you’ll be getting messages simply saying “Meet me at Wait Chapel at 10 pm. Clothes optional.”

As much as I have made the negative aspects of Facebook laughable, it is something of a modern marvel.

The creators have completely revolutionized communication via the internet.

There are going to be those crazy people on Facebook who watch everything you do, but that’s why they have privacy settings.

Friendships and relationships alike can be created and maintained in no time at all.

As long as you are the person people know you to be, then Facebook can be used for very positive things socially and even romantically.

Now go out there and get poking.