Life > February 4, 2004

By Jessica Pritchard and Tori Borowski

Life Editor and Contributing Reporter

Chances are, right now you’re sprawled out on the couch that resided in your basement until you went away to college (or the basement flooded) drinking from a paint-penned cup, feet resting on a milk crate coffee table. The faint musical buzz of the fluorescent sign behind you welcomes all who enter your apartment to “the home of Miller Lite.” And if you aren’t, don’t try to say you don’t wish you were. 

If you’re a really high roller you might have a 35 mph sign or two above the fireplace or a kegerator separating the dining area from the collection of porn.  The truly artsy will use the many alcohol bottles that others merely leave empty to hold flowers, or bottle caps (from root beer of course) scattered across the floor as though they were rose petals.

Not that there’s anything really wrong with this.  We still live in Kitchin Castle, where our rooms are decorated by the presence of our roommate and maybe our laundry.  What we can’t wait for is to get out of here and have a normal looking apartment.  In the meantime we’re here to help you without subjecting you to the dangers of TLC addiction. (P.S. — We hate Paige Davis.)

There are a few reasons you might want to spruce up the space in which you live, and a lot of you live off campus, over half the upperclassmen.  First guys, the ladies like it.  We’re ladies (sort of), we like it.  Second, it’s fun, easy and cheap — like freshman on pledge night without the STDs!  Finally, we know you’ve always wanted to say, “Well, um, actually, a pretty nice little Saturday, we’re going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.” And actually mean it. 

This week we’re giving you the Lowe’s-down on the places we’ll be going in the future. 

Lowe’s Home Improvement Warehouse:  Despite having much prettier colors than Home Depot’s construction-zone orange, Lowe’s fell short in the customer service department.  In a warehouse store, somehow there was only one customer service man and one manager man — and a lot of people with problems, including us.  However, Lowe’s does offer free classes for home improvement mavens like ourselves … not that we’ve been to one yet.  For now, we’re relying upon our own creative geniuses and Trading Spaces. In addition, the staff at Lowe’s is very helpful, when they have time to get to you.  A certain Life Editor wanting to divide the giant shower in her Kitchin bathroom earlier this year found the staff especially accommodating to her many design problems.  So now thanks to Lowe’s, Tori and Jess can shower together, and not see one another naked.

Home Depot:  The staff at “the HD” (as we regulars call it) was not as bright as the light bulbs they sell, however, what they lacked in wattage they made up for in warmth.  So how many reporters does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Just two — us.  HD offers slightly lower prices.  The wait here is much shorter, good for those rushing out to grab some screws between classes.

Bed, Bath & Beyond:  You’re in college, if you haven’t been here yet we probably can’t help you, go read the Sports section.  Lots of stuff piled as high as the ceiling here, everything from a “water resistant AM/FM fog free shower radio” to spoons. They offer free dorm-room decorating ideas … if you want your apartment to look like a dorm room.  Not that we’re bitter.  Because we’re not. The coupons here never expire also.

Linens’n Things:  See above, minus coupons, plus a little more warehouse atmosphere.

Pier One:  Like its “warehouse” counterparts the first pier boasts lots of small knick-knacky things to fill up your empty spaces.  Better yet, it’s not quite as crowded as everywhere else … and makes you feel a little like you’re the star of your very own episode of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” One word: wicker.  The sales here are what to hit up, as regularly priced merchandise is probably more your parents’ speed.  Plus, this place offers a student discount in September.  Start planning immediately.

Ikea: Those of you that have stuck it out receive your reward: Ikea, the Disneyworld of home improvement stores. At the mention of this Swedish wonderland, we “quiver with delight.” Those of you from the southland may not know the joy that can spring forth from the giant blue buildings and those sweet, sweet yellow letters, visible from miles away — but that’s why we’re here.  Only here will you find fine china called “Bang” for $.50 per plate, bowl and when you need a deep bang, $.50 per deep plate.  Microwave and dishwasher safe “stoneware” means even the most housework inept can dump their lean cuisine on a nice plate and dine by candlelight (Fj