Life > March 20, 2008

By Theodore Aronson | Staff columnist

Welcome back, everyone. I hope all your Spring Breaks were punctuated with the highest of highs and the highest of lows, mixed with a healthy blend of relaxation and rambunctiousness, as well as, of course, a good story or two.

Whether you hung around home with the parents or cruised off to some exotic destination, anyone can appreciate the art and glory of an unforgettable Spring Break story.

Who doesn’t like hearing of tales comparable to the most engaging of folk stories, the ones your great grandmother Philbur, who nonchalantly goes by Squeaky for undisclosed reasons, used to deploy to entertain crowds upon crowds at those painfully tense post-Christmas dinner soirées.

The type of story that tosses every basic human need and care out the window, only to be crushed over and over again, completely pounding to dust the idea of “break” in Spring Break.

I’m using my time this week to encourage an open forum around campus, in which we can all carelessly discuss the happenings over the past week.

One shouldn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed of anything that might have happened, especially since the majority of the Spring Break epics involve the adventures of a close friend, or perhaps even a stranger who played the leading role in the main event for the night.

And, if you happen to be at the short-end of the stick in any account, just casually substitute your identity for that of a close friend or family member, because who doesn’t like to be a little creative in stirring up the life and reputation of an innocent spring breaker?

Or you can even fabricate an entire episode.

Telling every one of your closest buddies about how that one “friend” you all have, jumped on stage and, in front of the entire bar, proceeded to expose a certain private element of his anatomy and do a number of “tricks” can really throw that friend off, especially if your persuasion skills are on point and you convince the friend that he actually did such a thing.

The effort behind such a scheme will be absolutely worth it when that friend walks around morosely drowning in his own self-disappointment.

If you can get someone to act as a victim who took severe offense to his production, and squeeze out a few very public apologies, my hat goes off to you. Now I know I’m not totally dealing with a topic solely sexually related, but I know out in the minds and memories of all those who went away this Spring Break that there are some undoubted sexual exploits, so throw them all in there with the rest of what everyone is discussing.

Even the one with the foreign example of perfection named Jose but called The Magical Mexican Meat Slayer by many.

That was an interesting night.

I would just like to spread this spirit of storytelling around campus so we can all make it through the remaining days of the spring semester.

With work piling up and deadlines approaching, who wouldn’t love to hear about someone’s alcohol-induced, laugh-provoking, unforgettable week-long adventure that was Spring Break 2008.