Life > April 10, 2008

By Ryan Coons | Staff columnist

As my college tenure rapidly draws to a close, I have learned quite a bit about myself. But more importantly, I have learned much about other people as well.

To spare you years of dissecting the human psyche, I want to share with you one of the most interesting facts about your friends and fellow students; they love to hear the sound of their own voices.

You know who I am talking about. That girl in your philosophy class who has an opinion for everything and argues with you for the sake of arguing (listen, you; John Locke is the greatest philosopher of all time for reasons other than his philosophical achievements.

If you don’t get that joke, well then you just don’t get me do you?)

You may ask “But Ryan; doesn’t going on an extended rant complaining about people loving to hear their own opinions strike you odd?”

No? Why would it?

A greater problem is at hand here however. Being college students at a selective (nay, highly selective) degree granting institution, we strive to attain more knowledge every day.

As I previously pointed out, we want to impart that knowledge on others (professors, newspaper salesmen, questionably attractive women at Burke Street Pub).

This is why I hate NPR.

Ah yes, the college intellectual’s favorite source for up-to-date, impartial, depressing news.

Now I’m not saying that NPR doesn’t offer the news in an astute way that does not unnecessarily dumb it down. If I had to keep up with current affairs (I choose not to) I would rather listen to NPR, not some random sophomore in my stats class who apparently doesn’t have a girlfriend (I deduce this because he has enough time on his hands to memorize the news).

According to a study I made up for this article; listening to NPR may make you smarter, but it also makes you less likely to be listened to.

Doesn’t this network see what they are doing to conversations on our campus?

Rather than forming original opinions about world events, they, instead, begin every sentence with “I heard on NPR…” or, if they have a perchance for fairy tales “I heard on Fox News.”

Those who know me will be sure to point out my affinity for quoting movies and television during normal discourse and ask “Is this not the same thing?”

To that I say “What’s with all the questions this week?”

But seriously, the two are completely different.

You see, I can pass a joke I heard on the television as my own, leading others to find me witty and clever (and it might potentially land me a writing gig for a school newspaper…).

But for those of you who listen to things like NPR and try to pass on the news stories you heard; Congratulations, everyone now thinks you are a boring person.

Believe it or not, no one really cares that the new senate housing bill offers relief to low-income families facing foreclosure.

But because you are talking about an issue I theoretically should care about, I now have to pretend like I’m interested, causing a terrible cycle of you reciting “All Things Considered” while I silently try to remember the lyrics to Boston’s “More Than a Feeling.”

It’s time to break the cycle.

The best way to do this (in my humble opinion) is in the style of Pavlov’s dog experiment.

Every time a friend begins a sentence with “I heard on NPR…” hit them on the nose with a newspaper.

Repeat this procedure for as long as necessary until they learn.

The world will thank you.