Life > September 29, 2005

By Dave Chace

Managing Editor

In the spirit of Homecoming weekend, it feels appropriate for me to honor the past students of the university by writing about some of my favorite things about alumni. 

I’ve always felt that these aging relics of the university’s ancient history represent a plethora of learning opportunities — learning opportunities brought to the table each year as members of our school’s present and past combine to celebrate together during a mediocre sports performance.

I think the most important lesson that alums can teach us when they come back for Homecoming is Not To Come Back For Homecoming — and this is for the sake of all parties involved. As a student, I’ve always liked to imagine all Wake Forest alums as inspiring people with prosperous careers and supermodel wives — and I, clearly representing the collective student body, have imagined that because that is what I someday aspire to be when I am, hopefully, a Graduate. 

The only pleasure I have left to cling to here at “Work Forest” is that it is preparing me for a successful life, and so when I see more and more grads getting cushy jobs working for their families without applying or interviewing, I start to get a little disenchanted with the opportunities that this university may or may not provide. While the graduates that lead successful lives may exist, the irony is that they are so busy being ambitious and making millions of dollars that they can’t make the time to actually make it down to Winston-Salem to blow a weekend griping about how the university’s going downhill as they do keg stands with their old frat brothers in front of their wives and children.

The result is that the pool of alumni actually coming out for Homecoming is severely limited to those jobless graduates who are five months out of college-shape but still think they can emerge from the depths of adulthood and spend one more weekend as the Top S*** on Campus. 

As in, they think they can steal the spotlight away from us students. Now, I ask you: would George W. Bush have let Thomas Jefferson give him a definition for democracy?  Is Jon Stewart stealing his one-liners from Lawrence Welk?  Has God ever taken any crap from Zeus? 

God never took any crap from Zeus and I’m not gonna take any crap from some crusty old alum who wants to tell me how to throw down and represent like he did back in the days of The Village People. 

Once you’ve been gone from the university for five plus months and been set loose into the Real World, you’ve officially Lost Touch with the way things work here and no longer deserve to be the center of attention, so don’t come back to Homecoming and expect the students to drool all over your new adult lifestyle, because all we’re really doing is laughing at you behind your back since your hair’s falling out faster than ever and your proudest investments over the last three months include a coffee table and a birdfeeder. 

I’ll have more respect for you and that sociology degree of yours when you find a job and stop updating your Facebook profile.  Seriously.

And AIM?  Why are you still using AIM?  You are an adult, and you have actual responsibilities, so go take care of them and leave Screwing Around on the Internet to the people whose lives are primarily devoted to whining about classes online and leaving drunk IMs to their buddies every weekend.  And, it’s extremely depressing for me when I’m checking away messages and see something like, “I’m at work.” How boring, and sad. Clearly, not all alums are disgusting, embarrassing slobs. 

There are a couple redeeming qualities that, albeit infrequently, I find among a few shining examples of ideal alums.  These are the ones who donate money to the university, give Wake Forest a good name among businesses world-wide and have better things to do than bog down the Old Gold & Black editorials page with silly diatribes from beyond the diploma. 

The unfortunate part about these alums is that when they come back, they are the ones who aren’t usually impressed with the behavior of most university students because they’ve spent years blocking their own college experiences out of their memories. 

These are the alums who cringe every time they visit their old dorms and find the hallways crowded with coolers full of warm Busch Light and week-old vomit, and shed tears of disappointment every time they witness all of the students tailgating the hell out of football games and then reflecting on how much school spirit they showed that day during the drive back to campus just before kickoff.

For better or worse, most alums are, in fact, disgusting and embarrassing slobs. 

One level worse than the recent grads are the old-time, 40-year-old grads who want to come back and relive their college experience in order to drown out the reality of their failed, mediocre lives as middle-managers and opinionated liberal arts majors. This is the old dude showing up at his old fraternity’s parties, demanding beer bongs and hot freshman ass while everyone around them is just hoping he doesn’t give himself a heart attack.

No, you aren’t going to get any freshman ass this weekend, you sketchy old man. No, you can’t go smoke pot with the new generation of frat brothers. No, you can’t even drink any current student down to table-level, let alone under said table.  No, you do not have any authority over the university police so don’t try ripping the license plates off their cars, and no, you are not contributing to your own, or the university’s, positive image.

Questions?  Comments?  Concerned that I’m not fairly depicting the majority of alumni who come back to Wake Forest to revel in good memories and meet up with old friends? 

Then head on over to the ACC boards and spend a few days on that internet message board telling me how worthwhile your post-graduate life is.And for the record, Oktoberfest on the Mag Quad is a much better idea than alumni.  God, wherever you may be, let’s have less old people on campus, and more beer and delicious bratwurst available for Deacon Dollars.